August 18, 2013 by greenhouse04
I’m writing a second “Worry” post since worry has been the big thing I’ve dealt with lately.
I’m pretty analytical, so of course I’ve analyzed why exactly I’m worrying about this surgery more than others.
Of course, it’s a major surgery, so that in itself is a cause for worry.
Then, I now have young children, and whatever happens to me deeply affects them as well. And I hate the thought of them being hurt through something happening to me.
Also, I can’t say the surgeon who will be performing my surgery was extremely encouraging during our consultation back in June. He seemed concerned at the thought that our whole family would suffer because of this. His attitude seemed to be that having this surgery is the lesser of two evils (the greater being a horrible cancer) and that I should be depressed because I’m a young, otherwise healthy young woman who had the bad luck of mysteriously developing a rare condition requiring an extreme treatment.
But I don’t think all those above reasons are the main source of my worry.
There’s a reason I didn’t worry before my first major surgery. I’d never had surgery before. I had no idea what recovery would be like or the risks involved.
But after that surgery I was told I might have health problems the rest of my life because of scar tissue. My recovery took a long time, and was interrupted by a paralyzed bowel that sent me into shock and landed me back in the hospital for several days. And it’s just kind of traumatic to discover that you could have – should have! – died.
After my second very minor (laparoscopic) surgery I was told I had a minute chance of ever conceiving.
After my third, also minor (and also laparoscopic) surgery to remove my gallbladder last April, I was told that I have a very rare condition with a high cancer risk, and that I will need yet another major surgery to fix it.
So going into this surgery I can’t help but wonder what bad news will come afterward. What new problem will they discover while they’re fixing my bile duct, or what new problem will this create?
But I’ve realized that I’m allowing worry in by looking at the outcomes of my previous surgeries all wrong. I’ve got to turn them around.
In reality, with my first surgery I could have died, but didn’t. Not only that, but I haven’t had any of the health problems they warned me about!
With my second, the surgeon increased my chances of conceiving from 0% to 5%, and not only that, he discovered the cause of my infertility. It’s nice to know what’s wrong!
With my third, everything went great, including the discovery of my enlarged bile duct. Without that surgery, the duct may never have been discovered until it was too late.
And with all these surgeries, whether they turn out like I’d want or not, I’m given the chance to trust God a little more, have a little more compassion and empathy, and become a little less focused on this life.
So why worry? 🙂