Remembering that We Adopted


January 6, 2014 by greenhouse04

I go long stretches without remembering that my children are adopted. It seems so natural that they are my children, I forget they did not come from my body.

I also find myself at times not wanting to be reminded of the truth: the truth that they came from a different man and woman, that they don’t share my genes, that they are adopted.

Yes, it’s a beautiful truth, one written with the pen of God’s mercy. But still…

I still sometimes wish our family was like most families around us.

I still sometimes wish there weren’t four people out there who are missing their babies.

I still sometimes wish I could tell people that my son looks just like his grandpa, or my daughter has her daddy’s eyes.

I still sometimes wish there won’t be a day when my children have to grapple with the reality of their early loss.

I still sometimes wish I could go shopping without fearing I’ll see a birth parent.

I still sometimes wish I could tell my kids the story of what happened on their birth day.

There are so many things I sometimes wish could be different. I would never trade my beautiful children with a million biological kids, but I would trade the stories of their beginnings if I could.

I read an article in a Fostering magazine today that described the terrible grief a mother felt when she lost her kids, and I was forced to remember. It made me sad to know that my childrens’ birth parents felt terrible grief, too. I almost feel that it’s wrong for me to be so happy and fulfilled in being the mother of these children, when in order for me to gain them, some other mother had to lose them.

It’s good for me to remember this again, and to struggle with this again. This is the reality of the life God has given me. This is the reality of the lives of my children. Peace and contentment will only come through facing this life with eyes wide open, accepting it – pain, disappointment, mercy, beauty, and all.

I’ve felt these emotions and faced this struggle before, and I know I will again. I’ve even blogged about all this before. I need to re-read, re-hash, and re-write all of this every once in a while. Thanks for listening.

Here are some links to other blog posts of mine that talk about the realities of adoption:

Goodbye, Momma

The Struggle

Mixed Emotions

The Truth

Birth Parents


4 thoughts on “Remembering that We Adopted

  1. Instant Mama says:

    I’ve been feeling these types of things a lot lately. It feels strange. But it is our reality and it will always be a story containing much beauty. May we focus mainly on that.

  2. Emily Gagnebin says:

    I can understand what you are feeling. I read a poem called “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Perl Kinsley. It really struck a chord with me because she described this journey so well.

    When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

    After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

    “Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

    But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

    The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

    So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

    It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

    But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

    And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

    But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

    • greenhouse04 says:

      Thank you for sharing that very apt illustration of adoption. 🙂 It’s so true that no matter what “detours” your life takes, if you remain open and thankful you can find beauty and joy anywhere!

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