The Tobster Chronicles: We Don’t Know

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April 10, 2015 by greenhouse04

People we often ask me if they think we’ll be able to adopt Toby. I say, “I don’t know. In fact, I have NO idea!”

And it’s true; I have absolutely no idea what will happen with Toby.

For the first few weeks he was here, my ignorance was like a soft pillow: comfortable and warm. I wished I could rest in it forever. I could truly say that “ignorance is bliss.”

Now, Toby has been here seven weeks, and I’m falling in love with him. The darkness of his future no longer feels comfortable. I wish I could delight in his extreme cuteness with the security of knowing that it belongs to me. But it doesn’t. Each moment with him belongs to me; the memories will belong to me forever, but the little boy present in those memories may not.

We’ve had six other foster children, and with each one I either thought I knew what would happen, or I earnestly tried to guess.

With Jake and Ellie, we were told from the beginning that they would go home. And I never had any reason to doubt that they would. Six months later, they went home.

With Eddie, I decided after meeting his birth mom that he would definitely go back to her. Obviously, I was wrong. Eighteen months later he became our’s forever.

With Emma, we were told that she’d very likely NOT go home, but would need to be adopted. I believed this would happen for most of the nine months that followed, except for one agonizing week when we thought we may lose her, after all. But, our original belief turned out to be correct. She was adopted the same day as Eddie.

With Mari, I really hoped that we would adopt her, but it soon became clear that we wouldn’t. In fact, we had to disrupt her placement.

With Baby M. I knew from the beginning that he wouldn’t go back to his birth mom, but I also knew after meeting his dad that he would return to him.

Now, with Toby, I have no idea. I’ve met birth mom, and I think she could get him back pretty easily – and pretty quickly. But I also think she might not. So, I try not to think about it; I try not to guess.

This is a new place for me – I’ve always tried to guess the future.

When I truly relax on the soft pillow of complete igorance it’s a nice place. It really is freeing and relaxing to quit trying to know. Because, no matter how much I think I know, I never really do. And no matter how much I wish I knew, I still never can.

But most of the time I hop off that pillow of ignorance and try to imagine, to guess. I hope and pray, then I think of others besides myself and feel bad for hoping and praying.

So it’s best to stay on that pillow as much as I can.

I want to keep on not knowing, because it’s very nice!

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